honesty

I haven't exercised for a month. I find this incredible since I used to track more than 10km of mileage per week. Tomorrow, if weather permits, I may swim again. But I am still afraid and I am not sure what of. When I drive past the familiar running route I always recognise that anxiety and guilt that used to pass through my mind. It seems almost automatic and terrifying.

After the whole ordeal, if I put it here in very vague terms, I find that I can no longer bear to go back to the way things once were. Because I see so blatantly my hypocrisy and selfishness. I think of the 5am yoga stretching and all those futile attempts to feel something, to feel worthy (of what, I do not know and probably never will). I think of buddhist teachings and how it says to renounce everything and live in emptiness and I feel genuinely sick. The past few sundays mornings have been spent in church, ironically. It is a beautiful one with red bricks and mosaic glass windows and church organs, it makes me feel at least some sense of safety, because I can no longer trust myself with my life. And yet the pastor speaks of Christ's warnings to those who recognise his presence and yet refuse to become his followers. All the atheists and agnostics like me sink lower into their pew seats.