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Clockwise from left: Ashley Helvey's apartment featured on design*sponge, cinnamon bun pancakes, and heaps of bed linen.

so many questions left unanswered

Why do I always feel so empty
the rustle of metal, pots pans knifes and the feeling like I should be doing something more but i'm not, and it seems like I won't ever be good enough for myself

but I'm already knee deep in this shit

so tired so tired so tired so tired so tired of oscillating moods and thoughts and feelings

Staying up to talk to a boy... why do I even bother? I'm so sick of this. Do you think of me?

We are having such a terrible conversation.

Dear _,

I am channeling towards you huge pools of hatred, a threatening dark aura waiting to engulf you and ruin you. This is the unbridled disgust which I have for myself somehow transferred onto your meaningless persona. You smell of stale sweat and putrid hair, shampoo residue in the bathroom and it makes me sick. I am going to be so fucking brilliant that you will feel shit about yourself. You will realise that in the end what you have is nothing. Don't even bother trying. It is just sad that I know I will never find fulfillment from within.

Some days I feel like I will never find peace. I could dispense with this melodrama. I don't know if I am waiting for someone or something to affirm that there is really something wrong. I feel like I have lost my sense of self. This time it is my future and I don't know what to do, where I will go, am I good enough. I feel like I am becoming a burden to the people I care most about. It is a fight between this need for sympathy/empathy and my desire to be on my own. But I am now too tired to even think. Like a cloud had descended. Like a wave of inertia.

frank o'hara

"I’ve got to get out of here. I choose a piece of shawl and my dirtiest suntans. I’ll be back, I'll re-emerge, defeated, from the valley; you don’t want me to go where you go, so I go where you don’t want me to. It’s only afternoon, there’s a lot ahead.