i'm still very much afraid of going back to the way things once were and at the same time not being able to

Things that terrify me, like
going for a walk at 11 in the morning in the blazing sun, careful not to walk along trails that reminded me of the past, my cap down low shielding nervous eyes. Every time I waited at an intersection my heart pounded in my chest and no matter how steadily I breathed, how I attempted to open my mind that fear still stirs inside. Walking alone feels selfish. Forty-five minutes and my limbs have barely begun to ache and I think "what have I become"

kneeling over with my head on a pillow, knees together rubbing on the yoga mat, breathing and trying to find some peace but none come to mind, just the haunting memory of how hard I used to try. In the oppressive orange light and the little crack of the window letting in stifling air, what I thought was a sense of 'fulfillment' that I used to applaud myself for feeling is at best contrived

soaping my hair after god knows how many days and seeing hair fall out strand after strand, it is that pang of fear knowing that the past is catching up to me. And I see in the mirror the face that I know too well but others have seen change over the months. And I know this has to stop to a certain extent but I can't. How many people have I lost because of my selfishness?

frozen bananas spinning in a blender and the taste in my mouth that has never quite left, it makes me sick with nausea

readings lay before me that remind me of all the fruitless efforts, this inadequacy. I need to find new meaning, there isn't enough time left for me to realise how all these that seem so meaningless now will directly impact my future

I need to get myself together from now until november, after which I can lead myself to ruin with my self-centered, self-destructive tendencies. Part of me still fears that I will never be able to find my way back here again, but why would I want to come back? Am I less happy than I was before?