i don't know what to do with my life

I am torn between

a. studying law in hong kong and becoming rich

b. going to a laid back art college in the united states and becoming (possibly) happy

I promised myself I wouldn't lapse back into daily despair. But being around people I used to know has a way of changing me into a person I don't really recognise. I see this most ostensibly every day when I reach home, looking like a wreck, stumbling on the couch, sleeping. It has barely been two weeks since I returned to school and the circles around my eyes have found themselves.

It is true that it is much easier to be sad than to be happy. There is a boy that I got too close to just to see what it was like to give myself away, emotionally. Now I know all his secrets. Now I have stopped talking to him almost entirely while maintaining a facade of happy ignorance. On bus rides his fingers fidget and in my heart I smile - for once I am no longer in a position to be hurt by someone else's actions. On the contrary my inaction is cutting. When I read his words on paper I gag. When I see him now and smile his eyes seem full of regret, even fear. I feel like a bad person but I have nothing left to lose since I have already lost everything.