every day i am happy to be alive

...and so this will be my guiding principle for the rest of my life. To live in the present moment, because the past is gone and the future us yet to come, and the best we can do now is to be constantly aware and thankful because at any moment this could be lost.

Since monday I have had some of the happiest moments of my life.

1. seeing Mother and Father's shining faces as I limped out with the nurse from my hospital ward, all bandaged and cold, but knowing that I am going home
2. friday morning's impromptu picnic with Mother by the quiet seaside, armed with the best foods from the market (food which I have deprived myself of for the past months for reasons I will never understand) and just sitting under the canopy of trees shooting the breeze and hearing the gentle lapping of waves on rocks and watching little kindergarten children frolic on the greens
3. grocery shopping with mother buying cold cuts and fresh vegetables for salads
4. freshly-squeezed sunkist orange juice in a cold glass on a rainy morning, with Mother and sister breakfasting in the dining room, zee avi's sultry singing filling the room above the soft falling of rain
5. the warm smell of melting sugar mingled with the tang of orange as I make candied orange peel from frankie's sweet treats, wrapping glass jar tops with golden foil paper, the look of delight on Father's face helping himself to the crisp slivers of sweetness.
6. simple, family dinners: with the faint smell of air-conditioning and the cool marble beneath my feet, with a huge hearty bowl of boiled peas and carrots and melted cheddar over cauliflower florets, grilled chicken wrapped in baking paper, wine and jazz on the speakers
7. my first bath in five days and my hair feeling clean for once
8. sunday morning church service at st george's, in the safety of warm brick walls, chorus of hymns to church organs, the weight of the bible, the assuring baritone of the pastor's voice
9. the first words I read with clarity
10. baking apple brown betty, filled with love, lost in the smells of ground cinnamon and toasted buttered bread and sugar-coated fingers tossing crisp granny smith slices

Things are going back to the way things were. I can't bear to think about running anymore, or any of my 'disordered', 'perfected' eating habits, all these selfish pursuits. I will promise myself to do what is best for me, and for the happiness of my family. I will be patient with myself. I will live in the present, I will accord my every living moment with respect and enjoyment, I will find in it happiness and meaning. I will let myself heal, slowly but surely, enjoy the ride and ease myself back to a manageable and balanced equilibrium.